Ever notice how people with weak boundaries tend to attract needy, non-nourishing, and soul-draining people into their lives?
They may gain a secondary benefit by being the caretaker, the hero, or the “savior” to their partner or significant other. But the costs too often outweigh any potential benefit.
Problems invariably arise when one of the partners either begins looking elsewhere for the fulfillment of needs or overwhelms the other partner with tremendous demands and/or abuse.
I remember a relationship long before I met my husband where I demonstrated very poor boundaries.
I was the one always giving in to the whim and desires of my partner. We saw each other when he wanted. We did what he wanted. And we met where he wanted at his pre-determined locations. Any time I suggested or requested a time or place that was convenient for or of interest to me, it was abruptly dismissed. He was often conveniently unreachable at moments when I wished to see him.
I never understood my tremendous desire for this intolerable and amazingly hurtful relationship. I was not happy in it. I was aware that it was completely unbalanced. Yet the thought of breaking things off, no longer answering his calls, deleting his number from my phone, or blocking him seemed too dramatic a change.
Any thought of ending the relationship left me with an incredible sense of abandonment.
Not that he would feel abandoned. He had so many other activities occupying his time. This feeling came entirely from within myself. My mind somehow would not or could not tolerate the overwhelming feeling of poverty and lack that came up whenever I thought of ending this relationship. Something within me wanted/needed to keep it going. I did not want to feel abandoned.
But one day a shift occurred.
I just got tired. I got tired of the constant starts and stops. I wearied of the unexplained if’s, and’s, and but’s. I faltered under the weight of the constant unanswered why’s, when’s, who’s, how’s and how comes. I had finally had enough.
And that was that. I stopped caring. Any feeling of abandonment, unhappiness, or lack was gone. It just became neutral.
I wondered where all the passion went or if it ever existed.
All those unanswered questions, unrequited feelings, and deferred hopes went to that place in my past, where they became neutral circumstances, and I rose up from the ashes a new creature.
Finally, the constant wondering why I was not good enough for him gave way to I am good enough for me. And that was all I needed to move on.
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